On the Mat

It had been a couple of months since I’d set foot in a studio. Therapy had been considered for the transition in my life, journals had been torn through, and friends had gone over and above what friends go for when their friends are searching for answers, searching to put meaning the incomprehensible.

I knew that the last time I’d felt helpless, the last time I’d felt smothered by the weight of my own thoughts, the last time I needed salvation from myself – that’s when I first found my way to my mat.

And this year, it’s when I found my way back. I walked into the studio – humid, warm, dimly lit – not knowing what to expect. I walked in scared. I knew perfectly well the catharsis that yoga can be for thoughts and feelings, and I knew perfectly well that I was stepping into a place of untangling the untangleable, of facing head-on the unfaceable. And as soon as I stepped onto my mat, I knew perfectly well that I was in the safest place to do that.

I felt like I’d come home, the prodigal daughter returning, humble and open.

Sweet Surrender

I struggled a bit through Sun Salutations and Warrior poses, but welcomed them. I struggled even more through crescent lunges. I surprised myself in the balancing poses — turns out I was more balanced than I thought – and I felt optimistic that I hadn’t totally lost every connection with myself.

And then came the hip openers. The beautiful, raw, vulnerable hip-openers, begging for surrender and allowing nothing else. You don’t push an edge in half pigeon, you surrender into it. You don’t work harder to fall into sleeping pigeon, you let go.

You let go.

You let go of fear, of what you don’t yet know, and of the weight on your shoulders. You surrender into the unknown, into the void. You allow yourself to be released from tightness, from the little pieces you’re holding on to and you simply exist.

Reconnect

I found a stability and a brilliance in that existence that I had lost sight of. I felt like I’d come back into my own skin, like I was able see myself in my thoughts again instead of feeling suffocated by them.

I felt the most alive this year when I returned to my yoga mat after months of avoiding it. I continue to feel the most alive when I return to my mat, whether it’s been 24 hours or 24 days since the last time I was there. It’s always home, always welcoming, and always the most authentic place I exist. Sweaty, attentive to breath, and committed to discovering each new edge as it presents itself.

The things I move through on my yoga mat prepare me and better equip me for the things I face and move through off my yoga mat. Balance, self-love, attention to breath, alignment, and moving with intention.

I feel the most alive when I’m on my yoga mat, and when I take what happens on that mat off the mat and into my world.

This post is a part of #reverb10.  Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.

You should join, whether you’re a daily blogger, a sometimes-blogger, or a I-don’t-blog-but-I-keep-a-mean-journal-er.  You can participate by clicking here.

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Tagged as: off the mat, on the mat, reverb10, Yoga