I'm Not Afraid of Heights

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I’ve held these truths to be self-evident and have worn them like a badge of honor for years:

• I’m afraid of heights.
• Buttons and wires scare me.
• Wanting more money means I’m greedy or that my priorities need shifting.
• I don’t wear heels.

Or am I, do they, does it, and can I?

That first one – the part about being afraid of heights.  I said that off-handedly to Boyfriend once when we were talking about something… something like skydiving or hot-air balloons, and I started spewing all of the reasons why I either couldn’t do those things or, conversely, why “being afraid of heights” wouldn’t keep My Stubborn Self from doing some of those things.

I’m afraid of heights, I said.

No, you’re not, he replied.

I mean, yes I am.  I’m not afraid of being in tall buildings or anything but the idea of being on the roof of one – however guard-railed – makes me dizzy if I can get near the edges.  The idea of jumping out of a plane terrifies me.  When we drove up Trail Ridge Road last month, I got nervous being on the edge-of-the-mountain side of the road.

I fixed my bike once

I remember being eight years old and riding my bike one day when the chain came off.  Independent Doniree didn’t even consider having someone else fix it for me; I propped it up by the kickstand, stretched my little fingers, and put that sucker back where it was supposed to be.  I was one of those 8-year olds that was somewhere between girlie girl and tomboy.  I climbed fences and played Ninja Turtles, but I liked makeup and jewelry like any plenty of other little third grade girls (and some third grade boys).

It was that girlie part of me that beamed with pride over my greasy hands and working bike.

I don’t know what happened to that girl, but somewhere between eight and twenty-seven, I developed this aversion to chains, and wires, and buttons.  I think it started when we needed more than one remote control all of a sudden: TV, stereo, DVD player, video game consoles.  That’s like, four remotes.  Times about 20 buttons.  Which is just Too Many Buttons.  So I had this idea that I just wasn’t good with buttons and things, until I got my Wii this summer and set it up all by myself.

Snide remarks about how easy the Wii is to set up can kindly step left.

The point was, I did it and suddenly realized that the whole buttons/wires aversion was something I’d assigned myself for some unknown reason and maybe if I just channeled Bike Chain Doni, I was capable of more than I thought.

The one percent

I believe that thoughts become things, that craving a healthy, passionate relationship enabled me to find one, that it’s possible to attract great people, the right opportunities, dream jobs, deep relationships, and even tangible things with a very basic formula: focus on having those things you want.  Do things that honor that and serve those goals.  (Some people call this “working hard for your dreams.”  I call it Crushing It, but that’s a another blog post for another day).

I believe all of that, and I have all of that.  A strong relationship, perfect job opportunities, deeply moving friendships, the ability to travel.

I believe all of that, with gusto, with every part of my being, and as a part of that had long ago decided that those choices – moving around, working freelance, and doing a helluva lot of yoga meant that I would need to accept a mediocre-to-average income.  Get used to living simply, stop wanting ‘things’, and better learn a budget.  I believed in abundance in every single aspect of my life except for one: money.  I believed that wanting more made me greedy and ungrateful.  That wanting more meant my priorities were backwards.  That I didn’t need it, wouldn’t get it, and should get used to living without it.

And I was asked why I held this belief when every single other aspect of my life was governed by the complete opposite framework, and I started to slowly consider what might happen should I undo it.  I wouldn’t say it’s undone (and I’m not rich), but I would say that I’m starting to incorporate this framework around every aspect of my life – even finances.

Stiletto girl

I blamed it on the Barbie feet (you should SEE these high arches), and have always been a flip-flops and sneakers kind of girl.  Until this summer when I wore heels in NYC, summer wedges with my sundresses, and broke out my longer-fit jeans just so I COULD wear those peep-toes.  And you know what?  I haven’t fallen down once.

I can wear high heels.  I do (just not that often).

That’s just how I am

No, actually it’s not.  Or at least, it doesn’t have to be.

The point of all of this is this: we assign ourselves these “identifiers,” and suddenly we’re not just talking about fears, personality traits, or random little quirks – we’re wearing these statements like it’s a badge of honor to be afraid of heights (it’s not) or to never wear heels (also not).  When we take the “fact” out of the equation and maybe try something on like “I love the view from this rooftop terrace,” or “I know the perfect pair of pumps to go with that dress,” – maybe we might see some changes?

Walking Contradiction

In true contradictory nature – and to balance things out, here are a few concepts I’ve “adopted” of which I’m more than happy to continue the self-fulfilling, because they’re not at all limiting beliefs.  These truths, I’m totally cool with:

• I am a morning person.  No really, I am.
• I won’t out-beer-drink you.
• I might out-wine-drink you.
• I don’t do my own nails.

Who are you?  Who aren’t you?  And what are you telling yourself now that could use a little change in verbiage?

Tagged as: high heels, nintendo wii, personal finance