This is one of those posts where I want to acknowledge my own sensitivity to a personal issue before I go all “I am woman, hear me roar!” on you. I recognize that body image is something that lots of folks – men and women – stress about, wrestle with, and even agonize over. I get that. I’ve been as conscious of it as anyone else. But I am excited about where I’m at in terms of self-image and personal confidence and how I got there, and this story is a piece of that, of where I’m at with it now.
There are a number of reasons I signed up for Yoga Teacher Training:
- I’ve always wanted to.
- I had this wild idea nearly two years ago about leaving the corporate world to teach yoga on a beach in Hawaii (and actually, I plan to tell that story soon); I had to be qualified if I wanted to chase that dream, right?
- The physical practice of yoga was attractive to me; it meant balance, strength, and grace.
- The philosophical practice of yoga was intriguing to me; I wanted to learn more about it.
- I’d been trying to shape up all year and felt that the training would be my equivalent of a gym membership that I had to commit to. In my mind, this would equal weight loss, smaller sizes, and the resulting all around better body feeling that I believed came with those things.
I told myself that signing up for this training as a weight loss plan probably wasn’t the right motive, so I filed “getting in shape” under Expected Bonuses of Teacher Training rather than outright Reasons I Signed Up.
Don’t Argue With the Universe
The night before my first training class, I attended a C2 class at our St. Louis Park studio. We started, as always, in balasana, child’s pose. Every teacher has their own way of beginning the class, uniting the breath, and leading us into a place where we can begin to calm our minds and thoughts and begin to focus inward instead. The encouragement is typically to allow students to let go of things that happened prior to coming to the mat as well as anything we may be anticipating.
This teacher said all that, and I was feeling good and in it and mentally ready to focus when she added this part:
As you start to bring your focus inward, also remember that yoga is a healthy practice, that it benefits our minds and our bodies, but that the goal of yoga should not be weight loss.
I don’t remember the rest of what she said, but it was basically something about how if that’s our goal, then we’ve brought our egos into the practice and it’s pretty much one of the cardinal rules (ok, not rules, but you get it) of yoga to practice with a sense of humility, non-competitiveness, no ego.
OK, UNIVERSE. I get it. No weight loss goals. But can I still be excited when I’m more toned in eight weeks than I am right now?
New Focus
Either way, I began to let it go and started focusing on other goals. Postures I wanted to move deeper into, stronger connections of breath with movement, with intention. As the eight weeks went on, I’d kind of forgotten that I ever really thought about yoga as a weight loss plan, until the last couple of weeks when I started thinking about finishing the training, about how I’d accomplished something I’d so strongly set my heart on for so long. I started considering the strides I’d made in the different areas of my life: I had a clearer sense of my place in it and what I wanted out of it; I had found an ability to stand on my own two feet like never before; I developed confidence in my abilities, in my challenges, and in even in my quirks that made me extremely proud (not in an ego way, mind you) of who I was on my way to becoming.
I also found a sense of strength and capability I hadn’t felt before.
And then I realized that that strength and capability transcended my emotions (or is it the other way around?) and was present in my joints, in my muscles. I was driving one day, left hand on the wheel, right arm resting just above my left elbow. I don’t know why, I guess I drive like that. A muscle in my arm must’ve engaged as I turned the steering wheel one way or another because under my right fingertips, I felt my bicep flex.
I HAVE NEVER HAD ARM MUSCLES.
I run. I’ve played softball (third base, so any arm muscles would’ve been in my right arm). I haven’t lifted weights since high school. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?
So I flexed it again. Then I flexed the right one. And I realized I HAVE ARM MUSCLES.
One-forty-five
I started realizing that the rest of my body was starting to feel stronger. My back hurt less, stress headaches were less frequent. The space in between places on my spine felt a little roomier, a little less compressed. I felt taller. My legs felt stronger. I stood up straighter.
Out of curiosity, I stepped on a scale.
Hmm, ok, I’ve GAINED weight back.
It’s funny, because at the beginning of this year, I weighed 145 (am I supposed to tell you that? I’m not sure). My goal weight (according to super scientific methods that were a cross between my BMI and what I thought was a nice-sounding number), was 130.
From January to June or so, I lost 13 pounds, and I was SUPER excited about it. It wasn’t unhealthy weight loss, it was cutting out all red meat and most other meat and significantly upping my good food intake. It was eating on a regular schedule and working out a few times a week.
And then I started Teacher Training, averaged about 5-10 hours each week actually practicing yoga and I gained all of that weight back. And don’t go into the whole “But it’s all muscle!” thing because DUH I KNOW THAT.
And I am LOVING IT.
Strong and capable vs. skinny
So, I decided that I was essentially done with scales because I have never felt better in my life. Sure, I could afford a few more supta baddha konasana crunches and maybe 3-5 breaths each day in navasana (boat pose) but I’m cool with my body. Like, really cool. I’m never going to be a swimsuit model (damn!), but I can reach my heels in camel because my spine’s a little more flexible. I can close my eyes in tree pose because my balance is stronger. I can’t hold a pretty triangle pose, but I have that and other things to work towards.
I’m excited to get back on a regular eating schedule because I think that’ll help round out the healthy feeling that I want to support my physical fitness. I also really miss cardio and am excited to work running back into my routine. Will weight loss come with that extra cardio? Maybe.
Do I care?
Not really. Because this body is CAPABLE. Capable of turning cartwheels, of taking deep breaths, of connecting physical balance to emotional balance. And I’ll take that over whatever a scale will tell me anyday.
{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
this is awesome. it's so much more about how you FEEL than what the number on the scale says (though naturally, that's what we tend to use as our measuring point in terms of progress). how much pressure we could take off ourselves if we just took more pleasure in how we look and feel than what the damn scale says, huh?oh and i tried a cartwheel this weekend in the hallway of my manfriend's apartment and i totally beefed it on my FACE. so, kudos to you for having that down!
Awesome post. I have so much respect for someone who can give a toss about what the scale says in favour of how she feels. I have yet to get to that point – I have such a tough time being able to do any sort of strengthening or fitness because of my back situation, and consequently have a tendency to beat myself up over not having the flat stomach I want or the 110 lbs I measured three years ago. I feel like if I were actually able to commit to doing some form of physical activity, I'd get stronger, the pain would lessen and I'd lose a few pounds and feel that much better. I let the media dictate how I feel about myself physically far too easily. Seeing posts like this remind me that looking a certain way isn't as important as how you feel – and personally, I feel great. I need to focus on not putting so much importance on skinny, and concentrate on more important things.
I love this attitude! It's so you Doni, it just kind of oozes happy and confident!You have done so much good for your mind and body with this training, it sounds like you can feel every inch of that right now & I'm so proud of you! How you feel is so important, and it sounds like you're in an amazing place.
this is awesome. it's so much more about how you FEEL than what the number on the scale says (though naturally, that's what we tend to use as our measuring point in terms of progress). how much pressure we could take off ourselves if we just took more pleasure in how we look and feel than what the damn scale says, huh?oh and i tried a cartwheel this weekend in the hallway of my manfriend's apartment and i totally beefed it on my FACE. so, kudos to you for having that down!
this is awesome. it's so much more about how you FEEL than what the number on the scale says (though naturally, that's what we tend to use as our measuring point in terms of progress). how much pressure we could take off ourselves if we just took more pleasure in how we look and feel than what the damn scale says, huh?oh and i tried a cartwheel this weekend in the hallway of my manfriend's apartment and i totally beefed it on my FACE. so, kudos to you for having that down!
I love this post and the acceptance come confidence that inspired it. It should be in every freakin' woman's mag on the newsstand, and not just taped to my refrigerator. Which is where it will be around 6pm today.
This just gave me the motivation I needed to try yoga. I never was really interested in it until as of late, but this post? Yeah, I'm totally going to sign up for a class now!
The best thing isn't a number on a scale or a pair of pants, it's how you feel and what your body can do. This is great.
Awesome post. I have so much respect for someone who can give a toss about what the scale says in favour of how she feels. I have yet to get to that point – I have such a tough time being able to do any sort of strengthening or fitness because of my back situation, and consequently have a tendency to beat myself up over not having the flat stomach I want or the 110 lbs I measured three years ago. I feel like if I were actually able to commit to doing some form of physical activity, I'd get stronger, the pain would lessen and I'd lose a few pounds and feel that much better. I let the media dictate how I feel about myself physically far too easily. Seeing posts like this remind me that looking a certain way isn't as important as how you feel – and personally, I feel great. I need to focus on not putting so much importance on skinny, and concentrate on more important things.
I am right there with you woman! I have only done yoga once (but hopefully much more to come in the future) however I started really trying to take care of my body almost 4 months ago and although the scale says I've only lost about 4 pounds my body looks and FEELS great! I can feel my arm muscles too! I've NEVER had those either. It's kind of amazing really. So I totally agree that the scale is so unnecessary. It just gives you a bad # when really you should be feeling great. Way to go!
This post proves how beautiful you are. Inside & out.
Capable is always good. Better than skinny. Great post, as always!
I love this attitude! It's so you Doni, it just kind of oozes happy and confident!You have done so much good for your mind and body with this training, it sounds like you can feel every inch of that right now & I'm so proud of you! How you feel is so important, and it sounds like you're in an amazing place.
I love your yoga posts. They make me want to love yoga like you do, which, by the way, I am starting to. With me, the more I DO something the more I WANT to do something (that's how it was with running anyways) and Friday I actually woke up CRAVING a yoga practice – which is so strange for me because I usually force myself to do it. PS: "DUH I KNOW THAT" – best line ever. Love it!! Haha
"I love my curves."AMEN.
I love this post and the acceptance come confidence that inspired it. It should be in every freakin' woman's mag on the newsstand, and not just taped to my refrigerator. Which is where it will be around 6pm today.
This just gave me the motivation I needed to try yoga. I never was really interested in it until as of late, but this post? Yeah, I'm totally going to sign up for a class now!
This just gave me the motivation I needed to try yoga. I never was really interested in it until as of late, but this post? Yeah, I'm totally going to sign up for a class now!
The best thing isn't a number on a scale or a pair of pants, it's how you feel and what your body can do. This is great.
This is such a great post, and a great reminder to me as well. I've just re-started practicing yoga and I'm starting to discover that when I just focus on the poses instead of "oh wow, this is a great workout, I'm gonna look HOT!" I get a lot more benefit from the session. It really is all about having a capable body, a body that is strong and does the things you need it to do.
I am right there with you woman! I have only done yoga once (but hopefully much more to come in the future) however I started really trying to take care of my body almost 4 months ago and although the scale says I've only lost about 4 pounds my body looks and FEELS great! I can feel my arm muscles too! I've NEVER had those either. It's kind of amazing really. So I totally agree that the scale is so unnecessary. It just gives you a bad # when really you should be feeling great. Way to go!
This post proves how beautiful you are. Inside & out.
Capable is always good. Better than skinny. Great post, as always!
I love love love this. I completely agree with you — maybe we're not going to be walking down any runway anytime soon, but I love my curves and I love feeling healthy and that's enough for me. I'm so proud of you for accomplishing all of this
great post love.
I love your yoga posts. They make me want to love yoga like you do, which, by the way, I am starting to. With me, the more I DO something the more I WANT to do something (that's how it was with running anyways) and Friday I actually woke up CRAVING a yoga practice – which is so strange for me because I usually force myself to do it. PS: "DUH I KNOW THAT" – best line ever. Love it!! Haha
can I just tell you (ok, well I AM telling you) how much I ADORE your yoga-inspired life lesson posts?! Getting more of a mental workout for me when I attend yoga classes is still something that I struggle with, but reading all that you have learned and developed thanks to yoga gives me that much more hope.
Just stick with it and let go of the expectations. Don't go into it lookingfor lessons, just go into it focusing on one thing at a time – yourbreathing. Your straight back. Your gaze. Etc. Trust me, when you let goof searching, that's when it all shows up
"I love my curves."AMEN.
estoy aqui quierendote, ahogandome entre fotos y cuandernos entre cosas y recuerdos…… oh wait. Wrong Shakira song. But I knew that one had something about notebooks.
YAY! That makes me ridiculously happy. PLEASE let me know how it goes
Ok, so I CAN turn a cartwheel, but the last time I did it without warming up, I LITERALLY saw stars when I came back up to upright.
This is such a great post, and a great reminder to me as well. I've just re-started practicing yoga and I'm starting to discover that when I just focus on the poses instead of "oh wow, this is a great workout, I'm gonna look HOT!" I get a lot more benefit from the session. It really is all about having a capable body, a body that is strong and does the things you need it to do.
Mostly I'm following these stories along for the philosophical implications but maybe I should start paying attention more to the prospect of physical improvements.But like all things that need to be taught, I need a good teacher. Advice?
I love this post. You're strong, inside and out.
I love love love this. I completely agree with you — maybe we're not going to be walking down any runway anytime soon, but I love my curves and I love feeling healthy and that's enough for me. I'm so proud of you for accomplishing all of this
great post love.
Agh I so needed that post today! Since arriving in Australia I have put on 15 lbs!!! I'm still a tiny person and I understand that my no means does that make me fat, I just am not used to having to buy the next size or two up and it drives me crazy. I've been struggling with the way I look more and more lately because summer time has arrived and my bikini doesnt fit the way it used to. I've been going to the gym almost everyday and TRYING to watch the food intake but somehow the scale never seems to move! I am just starting to realize that the numbers on the scale shouldnt be the final factor in deciding if you're healthy or not. You're post is really inspiring to me and just wanted to say thanks! It was really refreshing to know that someone else my age is having the same struggle and thoughts, but has found a way to get past it!
You should probably write for a health magazine, because that is such an inspiring attitude to have!
Honestly, I've been thinking about pitching a couple, but have been kind ofon the fence about it. Thanks for that – I just might do it.
can I just tell you (ok, well I AM telling you) how much I ADORE your yoga-inspired life lesson posts?! Getting more of a mental workout for me when I attend yoga classes is still something that I struggle with, but reading all that you have learned and developed thanks to yoga gives me that much more hope.
Just stick with it and let go of the expectations. Don't go into it lookingfor lessons, just go into it focusing on one thing at a time – yourbreathing. Your straight back. Your gaze. Etc. Trust me, when you let goof searching, that's when it all shows up
estoy aqui quierendote, ahogandome entre fotos y cuandernos entre cosas y recuerdos…… oh wait. Wrong Shakira song. But I knew that one had something about notebooks.
Mostly I'm following these stories along for the philosophical implications but maybe I should start paying attention more to the prospect of physical improvements.But like all things that need to be taught, I need a good teacher. Advice?
I'd like to say that I'm over my weight and body issues, but I know I'm not.My mom got rid of our scale when I was in high school, and I'm glad she did. I don't think I ever plan on buying a scale for my own home (unless it's some old fashion one that serves as more of a decorative piece)…The truth is that I've been wearing the same pant size since high school, with one exception of when I lost a whole bunch of weight freshman year of college (but I've gained it back).I wish more women could feel as confident about themselves. I'm glad you're here to encourage and inspire us!Keep on being amazing, Doni!!
Agh I so needed that post today! Since arriving in Australia I have put on 15 lbs!!! I'm still a tiny person and I understand that my no means does that make me fat, I just am not used to having to buy the next size or two up and it drives me crazy. I've been struggling with the way I look more and more lately because summer time has arrived and my bikini doesnt fit the way it used to. I've been going to the gym almost everyday and TRYING to watch the food intake but somehow the scale never seems to move! I am just starting to realize that the numbers on the scale shouldnt be the final factor in deciding if you're healthy or not. You're post is really inspiring to me and just wanted to say thanks! It was really refreshing to know that someone else my age is having the same struggle and thoughts, but has found a way to get past it!
YAY! That makes me ridiculously happy. PLEASE let me know how it goes
Ok, so I CAN turn a cartwheel, but the last time I did it without warming up, I LITERALLY saw stars when I came back up to upright.
Honestly, I've been thinking about pitching a couple, but have been kind ofon the fence about it. Thanks for that – I just might do it.
You should probably write for a health magazine, because that is such an inspiring attitude to have!
I'd like to say that I'm over my weight and body issues, but I know I'm not.My mom got rid of our scale when I was in high school, and I'm glad she did. I don't think I ever plan on buying a scale for my own home (unless it's some old fashion one that serves as more of a decorative piece)…The truth is that I've been wearing the same pant size since high school, with one exception of when I lost a whole bunch of weight freshman year of college (but I've gained it back).I wish more women could feel as confident about themselves. I'm glad you're here to encourage and inspire us!Keep on being amazing, Doni!!
i'm noticing the same thing. i didn't start doing yoga to lose weight, but i had in the back of my head that it might happen. then i got on the scale and realized i'm gaining. but like you said, i feel stronger, i feel taller, and i feel great! there's this one pose we do, that i can't remember the name of. we lay on our back, grab our big toe, and try to straighten our leg out to the side. i can't get my leg straight yet. that's my goal, and reading your blog everyday makes me want to keep pushing toward it.
i'm noticing the same thing. i didn't start doing yoga to lose weight, but i had in the back of my head that it might happen. then i got on the scale and realized i'm gaining. but like you said, i feel stronger, i feel taller, and i feel great! there's this one pose we do, that i can't remember the name of. we lay on our back, grab our big toe, and try to straighten our leg out to the side. i can't get my leg straight yet. that's my goal, and reading your blog everyday makes me want to keep pushing toward it.
Jealousssssssssssss.Also? Good for you, lady friend.
Jealousssssssssssss.Also? Good for you, lady friend.
I've had body image issues for the longest time. I juggle with the same 30 pounds over and over again which makes me waddle on the line of "average" and "overweight" – Something I've learned to embrace is the idea of "being healthy" or as you said, "CAPABLE". This is brilliant.
I've had body image issues for the longest time. I juggle with the same 30 pounds over and over again which makes me waddle on the line of "average" and "overweight" – Something I've learned to embrace is the idea of "being healthy" or as you said, "CAPABLE". This is brilliant.
I just started doing yoga three weeks ago and I am so excited for the physical benefits that will come with it (balance, flexibility, and strength). Reading your post has made me even more excited for yoga and I can't wait to see where it takes me!Congrats on your newfound healthy lifestyle. Keep it up!
I just started doing yoga three weeks ago and I am so excited for the physical benefits that will come with it (balance, flexibility, and strength). Reading your post has made me even more excited for yoga and I can't wait to see where it takes me!Congrats on your newfound healthy lifestyle. Keep it up!
Really enjoyed reading this and I can relate. I had to post on my own blog and linked to your post: http://www.chakrafive.com/2009/12/your-true-bod…..
Really enjoyed reading this and I can relate. I had to post on my own blog and linked to your post: http://www.chakrafive.com/2009/12/your-true-bod…..
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